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The Jesuses/Welcome to Hell
"Welcome to Hell" is the sixth episode of the fourth season of The Jesuses. Synopsis Satan 2 unleashes a new evil onto the world that threatens to lull the entire population of Earth into sin, and the only way the Jesuses can stop it if they travel to the center of Hell. But first, they have to figure out how to get there with the help of unlikely allies. Transcript (It's morning. All the Jesuses are asleep except for Six.) (Three starts to wake up.) Jesus Six: Welcome. Jesus Three: Huh? What are you doing? Jesus Six: IHOP is closed. (Three looks at a clock. It's past opening time.) Jesus Three: Why though? (Jesus Six shrugs) (God appears) God: Wake up, you knuckleheads. (God levitates all the beds away, and the four sleeping Jesuses fall onto the floor and awaken.) God: This is one of the most dire things Satan has done to the Earth. Jesus Two: Like when she invented anime? God: Almost that bad. (The Jesuses murmur anxiously amongst themselves.) Jesus Six: So you gonna tell us what's going down or not? God: It is better if I show you what is happening. (God takes the Jesuses to IHOP.) (The Jesuses all scream in unison.) (We see Jason and Darrell playing ping pong at a poing pong table outside.) God: Satan made everyone in this town addicted to playing competitive ping pong. And also meth. (Darrell is smoking meth while also playing ping pong.) (Pan out to reveal people all over town playing ping pong and smoking meth.) All The Jesuses: (Scream) WHAT DO WE DO!!!!???? (Satan 2 appears. She is also smoking meth. The Jesuses are visibly shocked.) Satan 2: Wus good homeboys. Jesus Two: Whoa, what the heck? What the heck?? God: You can't change the status quo, Satan. The people know in their hearts what is good, and t- Satan 2: I don't know what the shit you're going on about. Want some meth? Jesus Six: Get away from our Dad before we beat you up again. Jesus Five: Yeah, why do you even bother trying to start things? You know we always win, right? Jesus One: Good always triumphs in the end, and you know it! Satan 2: Well, you know why I do what I do. I'm determined to have the upper hand. So like, my minions and I were scheming to find something to make people lazy so they stop giving a shit about morality and start sinning excessively, but then Enid found some meth, so here we are. Jesus Three: What about the ping ping? Satan 2: What ping pong? Jesus Three: That ping ping. (Points to Darrell and Jason playing ping pong; both of them are smoking meth) (Satan 2 says nothing for a few moments.) Satan 2: Okay bye, don't try to stop me! (Satan 2 disappears.) (A few more moments pass in silence. We see people play ping pong.) Jesus Four: Well now what? We gotta stop her, right? Jesus One: But what do we do? Talk to the people? God: I'm afraid that would be too tedious. Soon, Satan's weird meth scheme will cover the whole world. God: There is one thing you may need to do. You need to follow her into the depths of hell, and find the source of the horrible curse she has cast. Only then is there a chance you could destroy it. Jesus Two: What do you mean "you"? Why can't you do this? God: Hell is the most treacherous landscape in the universe. There are six of you. As a team, you have a better chance of conquering it than I alone. Only one person of the trinity can be in hell at a time, so you need to go without me. Jesus Six: Alright then. Jesus Two: How do we get to Hell, anyway? God: I will take you to the Gates of Hell. (God teleports the Jesuses to the Gates of Hell.) Jesus Three: Whoa, where are we? God: The Gates of Hell, I just told you. Jesus Three: Yeah, but where? God: Good luck in your journey, my sons. Make me proud. (God leaves.) Jesus Five: So, wanna get help? Jesus One: Yeah, but WHO?! Jesus Four: How about the allies that have BEEN to Hell? Jesus One: The Buddies! Jesus Two: How do you suppose we get them? You realize we don't know where we are, right? Jesus One: We'll have to make them come to us. Jesus Six: But How? Jesus Three: Maybe if we scream really loud, they'll hear us. Jesus Six: Please tell me you're not serious. Jesus Five: Does anyone have a phone? We can just call them. Jesus Four: (takes phone from pocket) Oh, I got my phone right here. Jesus Five: Great! Ring 'em up! Jesus Four: Uh, does anyone have their number? Jesus Three: You don't have it saved? Jesus Four: They removed me because I kept sending them my mixtapes. Jesus Three: (Slaps his face) Do you remember their number? Jesus Four: It starts with "555", right? Jesus Three: Yeah. (Jesus Four starts dialing.) Jesus Six: I hope there's reception out here. Jesus Three: Don't jinx it, dude. (It cuts to Rosebud sleeping when the phone rings, she picks it up.) Rosebud: Hello? Jesus Four: Hey Rosie, it's Four. Wanna go to Hell with my bros and I? Rosebud: Sure, I’ll just round up my brothers, put on our superhero suits and we will come. (Hangs up) Jesus Four: That went well. I thought she would hang up on me. Jesus Two: So they're coming? Jesus Four: Yeah. (Several beats of silence) Jesus One: So while we wait for them, anyone else excited for the new Fat Dog Mendoza next Saturday? Jesus Six: You mean "Episode 420: Little Costumed Buddy Does His Taxes"? Jesus One: That's the spice. (The silhouettes of The Buddies appear) Rosebud: The Cheerful Chap... I’m Rosebud the Radiant! Budderball: The Freindly Fighter... I’m Budderball the Blissful! B-Dawg: The Hard-Working Hero... I’m B-Dawg the Beneficent, dawgs! Buddha: The Generous Genuis... I’m Buddha the Brainest! Mudbud: The Friendly Fighter... I’m Mudbud the Mellow! The Buddies: And together...we are The Buddies! (All strike a pose) Jesus One: This is epic. Jesus Six: Shall we enter? Jesus Four: Wait, the sign says we gotta abandon our hope. Jesus Six: I abandoned mine years ago. Jesus One: You can have some of mine! Jesus Six: No thanks. Rosebud: Ready? (Murmurs of verification from all present parties.) (The group walks towards the gates. They slowly start to open.) (Everyone looks at each other as they enter Hell.) (The group walks down a corridor with walls of dark red stone and a floor of hills covered with dead grass.) (They soon come to a shoreline with a boat.) Rosebud: Everyone, step on the boat! (They get on the boat. The river current pushes the boat along.) Category:The Jesuses Category:Pages by Tornadospeed